I guess once again it's time for Jack to expose the evils of the Catholic Church. Now granted, any reasonable person would hold some skepticism about the nature of a monolithic institution that's millennial old. So Jack's going to have to find a way to make it as unreasonable as possible. I mean, if it isn't as off-the-wall batshit and unfounded as possible, he may be mistaken for one of those Da Vinci Code heathens. So let's take a look at conspiracies so absolutely arbitrary and convoluted, that nobody will accuse him of being a secular humanist.
You know, I always figured that if Pinky & the Brain were turned into humans, they would look a bit different. Pinky wouldn't look like he was going to a 1980's rock concert and the Brain would...well he wouldn't look so...jolly. Of course, maybe it's not them, because Brain was always more self-possessed in his megalomania. The mad scientists in question has a lot less convictions about world domination, and he should. It's probably going to take a lot more than a dog, a casual fan of The Clash, and a dream. But alas, those aspirations are cockblocked, by a renegade angel. One who looks more like he's being kicked out a restaurant for violating the dress code than for inciting mutiny amongst the hosts of Heaven.
Second most powerful being in the universe? That's not too shabby. There's nothing wrong with being second, if you're number one you can't go up, and you'd better not go down. It's also a great way to get fans, the cool kids are always going to root for the underdog. Like people who thought Chicago Hope was better than ER. But is "Angel of Light" and "Dragon" all he can do? I mean, I don't want to be greedy or anything, but there's probably a medium there, like a griffin or something. I'm just, being a dragon is badass and all, but they don't really have many applications today. It's just going to scare someone off from signing Faustian pacts.
If the two were such good friends, I think the visual image I would like would be God and Adam riding together on one of those two-seat bicycles. Or playing baseball. Or baking a cake, but then God started throwing flour and then Adam started throwing flour and things just go way out of hand, guys. But wouldn't you know that their little bromance goes south once Adam gets himself a piece of strange. And one that the Lord hooked him up with, no less. Shorties ruin everything. Shorties and the Prince of Darkness.
Okay, I admit I'm a bit amused by Adam's "Alright! I'm going, I'm going already." gesture. It seems to want to drive the point home that Adam was ruler of all, but I never hear about how awesome that job is. There's no passage in the Bible that talks about how he was served drinks by a monkey butler, or suited by a penguin maitre'd. What do you think his severance package was, anyways? The joys of anal. I don't know what planet Satan is clutching like a toy, but it can't be Earth. I mean, I guess the top of it looks a little like Scandinavia, and that island a little like the top of Scotland, but otherwise, he's got it all wrong. Iceland isn't that big and Greenland isn't that small. Man, if Jack got the white people countries wrong, I can only imagine what his South America looks like. Probably shaped like a giant "S" and "A". If Satan's a surly customer now, I can only imagine how he'll take that he just conquered an off-brand Earth. A Hydrox of planets, if you will.
Yeah, God, I think I know why this cycle of filthiness seems to happen over and over again. Maybe you should create/spare enough people that the population doesn't spring from
incest. I mean, how am I going to listen to my parents' on who to hang out with when they're first cousins, at best. To say nothing that their exes were probably the pair of ostriches (listen, it was a long boat ride...). Satan hates the Jews. But Mel Gibson hates the Jews. But Mel Gibson is the bulwark which Christian filmmaking relies upon. Man, I would have blown Jack's mind if his mind wasn't already dissolved into oatmeal.
I imagine a lot of people stray from Christianity because it can't be that exciting to know how it's going to end. It's like playing some kind of imagination game with a six year old. "I robbed you!" "Well, I have a gun." "Well I'm a policeman." "Well, I'm one of those people who have power of policemen." After a while you just want to stop playing and start interacting with people who don't have to be so "on" all the time. But I suppose nobody is more "on" than the Lord, who's a great big light bulb, here.
That's one of the most interesting ads for Monotheism ever. "Too many Gods? Confused by remembering different prayers? Don't know where to keep all your idols? Well, try Yahweh everybody, the all-purpose Gods. He grows your crops, he spirits you dead, he strikes you with lightning. One-stop shop for all your celestial needs. One God, no problem!" Mmm, mm. Wafer God. He's minty, divine goodness. I've never heard of "Queen of Heaven", but I'm not gonna lie, she got my vote. All you have to do is "believe on him". Well, I've never given a belief job before, but I'll try anything once. Does he want belief on his face or on his chest. Sometimes a little belief on the back'll do you.
Part of me would be impressed that the cartoon is eschewing the big, broom-topped helmets, but given the average intelligence of the tract reader, I think they're just gonna get confused and think they're conquistadors, and start calling Hispanics "Christ-Killers." And you know, go on about how that Redeemer statue in Rio is a trophy. Fire can't be that bad a home. They say home is where the hearth is, and what's a hearth but one big fire. I take it Heaven's zoning laws don't allow that kind of thing, do they?
Okay, that scene of Christ ascending while his disciples are all kind of pawing at him is a little rock star. I think Jack has been secretly indulging in the religous rock opera craze of the seventies on his brand new DVD player. Shhh! I won't tell. Dude, Christians were fed to the lions, not to Russell Crowe. Also it mentions that Rome fell apart, but it didn't mention that the empire kind of, you know, wholesale converted to Christianity before that. That'll show them for believing!
So Satan's plan was basically to destroy Christianity by making it so powerful and widespread, it became the single most prevalent religion in the world? Deceptively simple, but it may just be crazy enough to work! Yeah, yeah, I know it's talking about the "phony" bible, where Satan used the most foul of conjugations to throw people off the track.
So is the strip saying that God wears a really, really silly hat? And yes, totally new words that didn't appear in the scripture. Because, you know, that's how language works. Is "President of the United States" a really blasphemous thing to be, because I'm pretty sure absolutely nothing in that term is in Aramaic. For that matter, this very strip is spoken in English. What a bunch of filthy Anglo-Saxon chicken scratch.
Okay, so now we're getting into some pretty new conspiracy theories, one that I'm pretty sure Evangelists aren't big on. I mean, I'm not one to argue about the possibility of Jesus Christ having brothers and sisters, but isn't that the kind of thing that gets you in trouble with any given denomination. Still, it's cool that Jack's apparently a Kevin Smith fan. This tract just snootched to the bootch guys, and I'm not complaining. I wonder what that story is with that old lady. Did she sell a baby on the black market to free her dearly departed from limbo? Did she turn tricks with very unusual and very gray fetishes. Because that's a look of outright shame, right there.
Isn't it absolutely crazy when one-filled-to-the-brim-with-rage fellow goes on about how anybody who does it in a way that isn't their way is going to hell? By the way, I can't help but think the advice of this thing is "listen to those little voices in your head. The one that says the deviants, all of them, must be cleansed."
Gotta love the "daughters of Rome" thing, when the only thing these four factions truly have in common is how patriarchal they are. They're all connected. The Crusades where Catholics and Mulsims went up against each other? That was basically pro-wrestling before pro-wrestling. Gotta loves Saladin's heel-face turn. And of course, WWII where Nazis and the Soviets went at it. It was all cooked up by the Vatican. Not the result of ethnocentric and economic struggles. Not to mention the Russian aristocracy is, in fact, relate to Rome--but the commies toppled it. It's the same kind of understanding of Russian history that got crackpots all upset about Obama having a "Drug Czar". Also, is Jack a capialist? I mean, I guess he would be because he's becoming rich off of these stupid things, but it appears the philosophy is "The key to salvation is through the free market. Unless it's Harry Potter or something."
You know, I bet if Satan waited until centuries later when kingdoms tended to kick more ass, he would have made a more compelling argument. It's much easier to claim the real world when most of the kingdoms are on the Meditarrnean, with a few on the Yellow River, and maybe a couple in India. I guess you can't sell what you don't have, but you think Satan of all people would have a trick or two. Also, what's he doing trying to seduce the King of Kings in his "fat Lil' Hot Stuff" guise. That devil does not have a penis. I mean, I think that was always the case before in these cartoon devils, but for some reason, now more than ever, it is really evident that devil does not have a penis.
Huh, that all looks pretty similar to your given state capital, DUN DUN DUN. You know, if Jack really wanted to scare the folks off the Vatican, he should show that Swiss Guard that is always standing in front of it. "These is the own personal guard of the Pope itself, and you have to be downright crazy to get up in the morning and knowingly don those threads." Instead it's all just another obelisk. Yeah, we get it, the evil pointy thing. The penis is bad, the gun is good, yadda yadda.
I guess the first few popes were choads, but at least they got what was coming to them, right? I kind of want to know more about the dudes that committed papicide. How am I supposed to feel safe in the Dark Ages if I know a Vatican Strangler is free to roam about? Well, sure, that one is probably llong dead now, but in the Vatican they're all about passing down pomp and titles and whatnot. By the way, the only True Bishop of Bishops is Lance Henrikson. From the
Aliens series. I guess the true Bishop of Bishops is the scientist they based subsequent androids off of.
Yeah, Martin Luther gave as an out from the Great Whore, but he kind of hated Jews as much as any good medeival citizen did. You know, I find it funny that for all the shit he's talking about Popes, the Borgias aren't mentioned at all. That's like having a Rock & Roll hall of fame without Elvis. He also doesn't seem to bring up all the cases of child molestation that people have charged priests with, either . I mean, it's pretty funny. There is an actual, tangible gripe people have with the Catholic Church that would be rife for tearing apart, but he has to get into all the conspiracy theories, as we're about to see.
Yeah, the Church was not big on the Restoration. It wasn't too keen on the Enlightenment either, but screw those scientist guys. It all makes sense now. Abraham Lincoln was assassinated, not by the typical Southern Racist that would often go hand-in-hand with your Southern Baptist. To say nothing of actors. Catholics, thespians and Confederates were one big, happy family. No, he was assassinate by Jesuits. It's true, if you fold up a five dollar bill just right, you get the image of Pius IX, Nathaniel Bedford Forrest, and Peter Crawford holding hands and makingthe SIgn of the Devil.
What part of Catholic Dogma did JFK betray? The trying to get us to the moon? The desegregation? The not nuking Cuba into a smoldering pile of ash, after all? The schtupping of Marilyn Monroe? Well, okay, so maybe I can see how that last one is crossing the line, but this is Amurrica, you hear? The pope was obviously seriously miffed at JFK's federal and formidable virility.
The Angel just kind of gestures at that smoldering wreck of a Vatican with a great big "What? I didn't do it." So I mean, I guess the lesson here is that the Catholic Church is corrupt. Which I mean, we can't really disagree with, but it doesn't have to be the front arm of the Devil like the legitimate business of an infernal mafia. The point is that one speaking with the voice of God can sometimes use it to do and say things that are evil and hateful and you should take everything they say with a grain of salt. You don't need to single out the Romans. Which had a passage this tract just quoted. Waaaaiiiiit a minute.
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