You Have a Date! The Real Housewives of Perdition

We in this country aspire to wealth, contentment, and the pursuit of getting busy. But when we're asked to the prom by God himself, we'd better not say we need to wash our hair. God isn't taking rejection. God isn't seeing other people. You are going to the prom him. You can't even change your number. The master of the heavens will star 69 you with actual stars. Just get in the card, and hope he's at least willing to go Dutch.

Here, Kitty Kitty! There's More Than One Way...

This year, Jack has taken time away from telling us outright Halloween is the Devil's Holiday, and merely implies it. After all, we all love kittens right? Well, it seems Halloween has the highest statistics for needless kitten-killing. At least in whatever town Charlie Brown grew up in. And the wrong side of the tracks of that nameless burger. But the point is, it's bad enough our children (And by that I mean the blanket "our". I never sired no child, and you can't prove it!) are getting their tongues slashed by razor blades! No they have to take the slashing to helpless young felines in order to gain unholy boons. And to what ill-conceived end to they seek such mystic forces?

                                               

The Missing Day: When Dinner's Not Awkward Enough

             

  

In time for Thanksgiving, Jack reminds us that it isn‘t just a chance to join family and friends and enjoy good food, but that it‘s a God-Given occasion, and we should always remember its foundations as a feast enjoyed by hateful paranoid religious fanatics who would quickly turn on themselves as quickly as they could. Really. What could be a greater slap in the face to Darwinists than a story about completely displaced nut jobs manning to thrive and outnumber a group of indigenous people clearly far better equipped to survive their environs.

Jesus shed something for us, and it wasn’t cranberry sauce, folks! It’s time to be thankful you’re still alive, and thus were able to read this important, life-altering tract! And bow your heads for the Pilgrims, the first bible-thumpers ever!

Happy Halloween: Next Year, a Brighter Costume

   

While other Halloween-themed Tracts denounce Halloween as a pagan ritual practiced by the soulless and bloodthirsty, here, Halloween only serves as an indirect demolisher of salvation, and merely an unwitting device of Stan's claiming us for its own. We don't see any candy apple blood sacrifices or the red guy blowing out birthday candles, but we do see the celebration of All Hallow's Eve as something that makes the devil's afterlife much easier.

See, sometimes Halloween makes us forget the most important thing of all. That no matter how good we try to be, we’re still for crap, and the only way to escape from the horrific images we celebrate on October 31st is to bend down over and admit. Because let’s face, it things get too scary in Hell, there’s no light switch.

  

The Wall: Checkered Flags and Yellow Fever

 

Chick's newest tract! As we all strive to be the best, we must remember; no one is better than God. He is the Grand Prix referee, who has marked the ultimate finish line. We will all eventually get there, and every one of us has a chance to win a prize of eternal salvation…save those who go astray, and find themselves burning in Hellfire after hitting…the wall. Can our two protagonists, despite being strong competitors out to be the best, mutually share a special kind of cup--The Jesus Class Cup?

Love is a wonderful thing. But sometimes dangerous. Here now is the story of how lust for victory, and lust for lust, can take everything you‘ve worked for and throw it off course. Here is a cautionary tale how dangerous love can be. Just be warned, you might want to come back to reading the tract an hour after you read it.

    

What's Wrong With This? American Graven Idols

                   

It's an amazing world we live in. From so many different regions and creeds, different civilizations and societies formed. We spend so much time in our own routines and daily life, it never occurs to us what kind of diversity and flavor this planet is filled to the brim with. And how wrong, wrong wrong it all is. Ancestors? Elephants? Afterlives? Come on, that's all phooey and you know it. It's obvious the many different continents of the world have far too much pepper in their chili, and it's our job to water it right down.

Come take a walk through the art gallery, but keep in mind, the Word of God isn't subjective, and he's a lot more tempestuous than Vincent Van Gough, and he'll be the one critiquing you.

     

Angels? Knight's in Lew's Service

 

This is an old favorite with many fans. In fact, it may be Chick's single most epic story ever. It's got everything; good, evil, love, betrayal, death, fortunes rising and falling. It peers into the human soul, and pulls its worst components out like a tumor. It, in a word, rocks.

Now, we all know Rock and Roll is the Devil's music. However, did you know so-called Christian Rock is twice as bad? Because that's how they get you. So remember Godly folks of their world, if you ever see someone using their gifts to help others become more devout, don't trust them. Shun them, so they'll all become scraps of society with ruined lives, who'll throw down with anyone for the right to eat. It's what Jesus would do.

Last Rites: Take That, Wafer Suckers!

Congratulations to our new pope, Mister Ratzinger! I'm sure you'll be the right man for the job, and I'm not just saying that because you look like you'll bite my eyes out if I disagree! But that's okay, his name reminds me of the mailman from Cheers! That's a good thing! Let's celebrate your inauguration with an old favorite from the Chick Library, concerning one of his consummate targets; The Catholic Church.

There's a joke that a girl in Catholic School was asked by the nun what she wanted to be when she grew up. The girl responded her intention was to one day be a prostitute. The nun quickly fainted, and upon being revived asked the girl one more time, what she wanted to be when she grew up. She repeated "a prostitute." "Oh", sighed the nun, "I thought you said protestant." Bad blood has run deep between the two for years, (with other creeds serving as unfortunate scapegoats caught in the crossfire) and the ultimate evangelical counter-conformist, seethes with hatred at the Old Establishment.  

Something In Common? We're All Going to Hell!

I think the moral of the story is the bond of togetherness we all share, but Chick obviously can't help but drive it into a divisive cesspool of judgmental indignation and knee jerk bitching.


If the strip is about the nature of sin and religion, why is that dog there? I mean, I love dogs, but I've always been led to believe they're spiritual cul de sacs? Why include them in a discussion over our immortal souls? That woman sure doesn't seem to be very happy sleeping next to her husband. It's an attempt at humor, sure, but I've noticed, for such a stickler of family values, you don't see a lot of happy marriages in Chick Tracts. Unless the man used to beat the woman, of course.

If we all don't have growing old in common, then don't say we do and backtrack! We're already two pages in and your entire plot, such as it is, falls apart Jack! I don't like the way that geezer is grabbing the woman, though. Makes me uncomfortable. I feel bad for the corpse the next panel over. His or her family couldn't or wouldn't even afford a name or anything. They just sprang for the standard "R.I.P."

They're not my real parents?! No! It's not true! Imagine the TV Movie that came out of this;

"I love you. I'll always consider you my family. But I have to back to my roots!"
"skwawck! skwauwkk!"
"No one can ever replace you! But I need to know who I am!"
*throws feces!*
"I knew you'd take it like this!

They really do seem like a loving couple though, don't they? Genuinely caring. Not like that "we're the only two people on Earth" marriage of convenience that is Adam and Eve. Look at them, so disingenuously posing for the camera, like any of your celebrity couples.



That's a tall glass of water we see reaching to the surface there. The flood has to have reached a good dozen fathoms at the very least. That guy may have been a dirty sinner, but we'll need him in this brave new world. Being true to the word of God is nice and everything, but what happens when you need something on the top shelf? You think Noah's going to help you with that? He's too busy with the arks.

What happens when the Pope, Queen Elizabeth, Samuel L. Jackson, the Dhami Lama, Osama Bin Laden, General Mao, Jesse James and hundreds of others, displaced in time, trapped on a large boat for forty days and forty nights stop being polite and start being real?


I just can't stop laughing at the guy who clearly enjoys that woman's suffering. There's a whole story behind this, I just know it. "The Adventures of Ron Morgan, the World's Biggest Dick." "You'd better not get upset, because that's just what he's wants! Your sadness is his oyster!" I kind of want to know the story behind the dude who just punched his bathroom mirror! "Argh! I'm out of shaving cream! And it's all your fault, Medicine Cabinet! What's that? No backtalk from you, even if you are a handsome fellow!"

Turns out we caught sin from Adam! And I thought he looked like such a clean fellow when I let him have a sip of my gatorade. Actually, he may not have sin at all. I think God's bad cop routine and the Heavenly spotlight simply got a confession from him out of duress.


Were Adam and Even simply forbidden from eating the fruit, or food in general? Look at what sloppy eaters they are too. Seriously. It can't be because the fruit looks good. It simply doesn't. If I were to call those fruits something, it'd be "mumps". They look like infected cocks. That poor guy, God is his own bouncer. "I swear Big G, I'm not trying to enter Heaven, I just need to use the bathroom."

There's one guy on that Perdition-bound arrow that's taking it pretty easy. I like his attitude. You're not going to Hell any slower, just enjoy the ride. I'm going to take all my suit jackets and get "There's only one way" emblazoned on the sleeves. That's just a sharp look. That arm may be disembodied, but it's dressed to the nine's. By the way, you notice it's the third panel in the row trying to use slang? "Are you a bad enough dude to accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior?"


Holy Cosmic Phenomenon Batman! Surrounding our earth is one big giant cloud. Not an oort cloud, or a dust of clouds from meteorite dust. No, the regular puffy cloud. That our satellites never noticed. And where is our moon?! It's gone! Lord, your massive cosmic diagram arrow has shattered the satellite that keeps our landmasses from being obliterated by tidal waves! Our moon, oh our moon! Mary is chosen as the Lord's vessel, and let me tell you, does she look thrilled at the prospect. You'd think God could wait until Prozac was invented until he decided to bestow us with the messiah. I see a future of wire coat-hangers and pulling Mommy's head out of the shitbucket every Monday morning for little J.C.


One would think it too obvious to suggest God came upon Mary, and a child was conceived is a double entendre. But just look at that light Mary is basking in. Tell me that doesn't look like what it sounds like: The Almighty giving young Mary a huge, Godly money shot. She's bending over for it and everything. Thanks Mary, the drachmas are on the dresser. God paid extra 'cuz you're a virgin. Our next panel explains that Jesus's blood is God's blood. God's an all-powerful deity. He doesn't have blood. At least that's what he told me when I called him up for the blood drive. God, if you're afraid of the needle, just say so, for crying out loud. I'm also a little iffy on Christ's "Perfect Life". Perfect? Let me tell you, if my days ended in a crucifixion, I'd need a lifetime free membership to Taco Bell, less Fast and the Furious movies, and ten minutes, "anything goes" with Kristen Bell before it even came close to 90% perfect-life satisfaction.

"Who's the holy guy who makes it so you don't die?" "Christ!"
"he's a bad Madonna..."
"Shut yo' Mouth!"
"I'm just talking about Christ"


If you anything related to a sense of humor, you, like me, can totally see Jesus picking that guy's nose.



Do the crucified really look like...casserole? I know they could be pretty graphic, but this is making Mel Gibson's stuff look sanitized.



But you just said he raised the dead and healed the sick! And now you're saying it's never been done before!? Jesus does not save artists with such a fickle sense of continuity.

Not a Sinatra fan, that Jack Chick. It seems to me, the split between the pious and the hell-bound are pretty equal, if anything it seems the former is the larger company.

To all you Buddhists out there? Do you really think I don't exist? That hurts. Eh, it's not like most people act like I exist anyways. I don't think I've ever heard phrases like "I love my sin" or "We're All Gods" either. In fact, most people think they're Gods generally aren't the inclusive sort. I love Mr/Ms. "I Love My Sin" by the way. Taking their damnation is stride to. You just gotta love someone who owns it.


I'd like to go to heaven and everything, but I'm sort of afraid of heights. Seriously, I get jittery walking around in Skyscrapers. You'd see me around the back of that arrow, sticking around. I'm good, no really. The Craig T. Nelson looking is pretty wary over how easy it is. And really, it is. You just have to bend over and say you're shit and you get a free lift to eternal bliss? Sounds like a pyramid scheme. Before you know it, Heaven is sending me junk mail by the assload.

Poor schlub has ruined his life. No wonder, hanging out with cowboys, gangsters, Jews, and dudes with Groucho Marx disguises.

There's something to be said about being decisive, but Chick sure has a bone to grind with the wishy washy. "I have to think about it for a minute. Now granted, when I want to blow someone off completely, I usually throw the whole "sleep on it" ball to get them off my back. But it seems Mr. Vengeful God loves picking people off if they don't succumb to the word instantly. While Chick's intended message is God's word is so good you shouldn't have second thoughts, it really comes across as "...don't put any careful rationalization in what you do! Careful thinking's for turds!..." So we can really equate being saved with shotgun weddings.


Jack sounds like a jealous ex, saying you'll regret not listening. Jack, when my flesh is being torn asunder by burning maggots and my bones sundered by three-donged ogres, I'm probably not going to be thinking about you. In fact, my Hell would probably be sitting right to next you. So I consider any distance between us a victory. "You will bow down before Jesus. The part of Christ will be played by Terrence Stamp. Anyone, if a witness ever hands you this particular track, check off "Hell", hand it back to him. Do this, and you'll get 100 points, which will promote you from default position of "Flunkie" to "Lackey", with plenty of room for advancement.

Dark Dungeons: Fact or Fiction?

Let's take a look at Dark Dungeons, Chick's answer to the Dungeons and Dragons phenomenon. Now, when it comes to his attacking his targets, Jack couldn't know less what he was talking about if he spoke a foreign language. One of his common targets, however, is pop-culture's fascination for the occult, in this case, Dungeons and Dragons, which he renames as an analogue, Dark Dungeons. Let's see if Jack's head is so far up his ass that his ass hair meets his back hair, or he simply just has a good view of his sphincter.

Genesis (I Can't Dance!)

This is a blog dedicated to the evangelizing, zany, almost dark world of Chick Tracts. For those of you who don't know what they are, they're tiny black and white comic books prosthelyzing the Word of the Lord. Albeit an extremely narrow, and not particularly reasonable interpretation of it. Here, the Catholic Church is the front for a demonic movement, nobody knows who Jesus Christ is, and the King James Bible is the only scripture to be trusted. The comics are screeds of intolerance and insanity. The premises and execution are so outlandish as to lead people to think they're a parody of religous fundamentalists. But whatever their intention, the only way to not shake one's head and lose hope for humanity is to see the humor in them. Which is what this blog is for.

I started this back on Livejournal, but I always seemed to let the project slip by me, for several reasons. One being that I was afraid Chick's apparent army of lawyers would find me. Another was that formatting was a pain in the ass. There was also the fear I was going to repeat myself. But I'm going to try and adopt this concept called a "work ethic", and maybe try and spin these out once a week. There's certainly a wealth of material to poke fun of. Come join me.