Still No Revival? Lowest Common Damnator

Ah, sequels. Sometimes they build up on the original. Sometimes they dissapoint. Sometimes they're pretty hollow cash-ins. ANd sometimes, sometimes they just exist because the makers of the original want to remind you, "Hey guys, still here. You remember? Like this? Remember?" This is one of those sequels. Better yet, it's a sequel to a story about something not happening. And this follow-up is about...that stuff still not happening. Gutsy move.

              

Univited: Queer as Folklore

 

We often fear what we don't understand. And that is a very, very good thing, because if we were meant to understand it, it would be written down in the King James Bible and that would be that. But the uncivillized corners of the world houses eerie, maelevolent sports that wish to undermine all that it is good in the world. Wish to undermine it in the butt. That's right, today we're going to be talking about homosexuals. The gay community constantly tells us it's not a choice.Well it isn't. It's actually the result of demonic possession. There is a choice to be found in such dire straits, however. Just correctly answer the yes-and-no-question of "Jesus".

                                 

You Have a Date! The Real Housewives of Perdition

We in this country aspire to wealth, contentment, and the pursuit of getting busy. But when we're asked to the prom by God himself, we'd better not say we need to wash our hair. God isn't taking rejection. God isn't seeing other people. You are going to the prom him. You can't even change your number. The master of the heavens will star 69 you with actual stars. Just get in the card, and hope he's at least willing to go Dutch.

Here, Kitty Kitty! There's More Than One Way...

This year, Jack has taken time away from telling us outright Halloween is the Devil's Holiday, and merely implies it. After all, we all love kittens right? Well, it seems Halloween has the highest statistics for needless kitten-killing. At least in whatever town Charlie Brown grew up in. And the wrong side of the tracks of that nameless burger. But the point is, it's bad enough our children (And by that I mean the blanket "our". I never sired no child, and you can't prove it!) are getting their tongues slashed by razor blades! No they have to take the slashing to helpless young felines in order to gain unholy boons. And to what ill-conceived end to they seek such mystic forces?

                                               

The Missing Day: When Dinner's Not Awkward Enough

             

  

In time for Thanksgiving, Jack reminds us that it isn‘t just a chance to join family and friends and enjoy good food, but that it‘s a God-Given occasion, and we should always remember its foundations as a feast enjoyed by hateful paranoid religious fanatics who would quickly turn on themselves as quickly as they could. Really. What could be a greater slap in the face to Darwinists than a story about completely displaced nut jobs manning to thrive and outnumber a group of indigenous people clearly far better equipped to survive their environs.

Jesus shed something for us, and it wasn’t cranberry sauce, folks! It’s time to be thankful you’re still alive, and thus were able to read this important, life-altering tract! And bow your heads for the Pilgrims, the first bible-thumpers ever!

Happy Halloween: Next Year, a Brighter Costume

   

While other Halloween-themed Tracts denounce Halloween as a pagan ritual practiced by the soulless and bloodthirsty, here, Halloween only serves as an indirect demolisher of salvation, and merely an unwitting device of Stan's claiming us for its own. We don't see any candy apple blood sacrifices or the red guy blowing out birthday candles, but we do see the celebration of All Hallow's Eve as something that makes the devil's afterlife much easier.

See, sometimes Halloween makes us forget the most important thing of all. That no matter how good we try to be, we’re still for crap, and the only way to escape from the horrific images we celebrate on October 31st is to bend down over and admit. Because let’s face, it things get too scary in Hell, there’s no light switch.

  

The Wall: Checkered Flags and Yellow Fever

 

Chick's newest tract! As we all strive to be the best, we must remember; no one is better than God. He is the Grand Prix referee, who has marked the ultimate finish line. We will all eventually get there, and every one of us has a chance to win a prize of eternal salvation…save those who go astray, and find themselves burning in Hellfire after hitting…the wall. Can our two protagonists, despite being strong competitors out to be the best, mutually share a special kind of cup--The Jesus Class Cup?

Love is a wonderful thing. But sometimes dangerous. Here now is the story of how lust for victory, and lust for lust, can take everything you‘ve worked for and throw it off course. Here is a cautionary tale how dangerous love can be. Just be warned, you might want to come back to reading the tract an hour after you read it.