This year, Jack has taken time away from telling us outright Halloween is the Devil's Holiday, and merely implies it. After all, we all love kittens right? Well, it seems Halloween has the highest statistics for needless kitten-killing. At least in whatever town Charlie Brown grew up in. And the wrong side of the tracks of that nameless burger. But the point is, it's bad enough our children (And by that I mean the blanket "our". I never sired no child, and you can't prove it!) are getting their tongues slashed by razor blades! No they have to take the slashing to helpless young felines in order to gain unholy boons. And to what ill-conceived end to they seek such mystic forces?
You kind of have to wonder about the responsibility allocation here. I mean, one kid has to bring a book of untold forbidden magic...the other's job is to bring chalk? Unless the kid's father is Alan Rickman or David Blaine or something, getting a book of spells has to be one of the hardest things in the world. They make entire movies about quests to obtain magical artifacts likes spellbooks. Want to know how many movies they made about adventures to get ahold of chalk? None, unless you count Powder. I hope when it comes time the Li'l Heathens Annual Christmas party, the other kids have to bring pizza, and he just has to bring napkins.
The motley crew's curly-haired commander arrives. He sees that his gang has been missing two vital ingredients, but a good leader picks up the slack. You see, what the incantation needs to work is...an animal sacrifice. Is that even a cat? It actually looks a little more like a hamster. A meowing hamster. Seriously, that thing is so little, I think the only spell you can cast is a spell to get Robert Downey Jr. addicted to drugs again. I don't even think kittens are that small. That thing is so tiny, it's not even like it's kitty murder, it's like kitty abortion.
Some little tykes just don't have what it takes to be a winner. Untold power of the ages is one thing, but what good is it when your pet's gizzards are strewn about the chalk pentagram? Being ageless is kind of useless when you have no one to share it with. For some reason, a black cat is needed for the sacrifice. Once again, I'm pretty sure that's a rodent...you're better off sacrificing a Twinkie. And really, aren't black cats supposed to be Satan's emissaries? Wouldn't something like white doves or country music singers seem to be more pragmatic kills to harness the dark powers? Also, that kid in the jacket is pretty whiny. I guess since he has the book of spells, this is his night to be important. If the cat slaughter doesn't take place, he has to go back to his original niche in the group; Eating his own poop for Curly's amusement.
Curly is threatening her, claiming bad things are going to happen. No offense buddy, but if you need to kill kittens to exact your magical power, I'm not sure what good your threats are. That's kind of the downside of dabbling in the arcane, you don't have a lot of leverage until after you obtain powers. And without the little cat, he has no powers. And if cats were so easy to get, why is he bothering with his sister's? I think he's just doing this to get her goat. Sure, he may be an ambitious pursuer of Wizardry, but he's also someone's older brother. Killing two birds with one stone. Metaphorically speaking...otherwise he wouldn't need the cat.
I love how Harry Potter there seems indignant. Guy have to go undercover as an altar boy and get molested to get to that book. She can always get another cat...where's he gonna get another anal virginity? It's off to the cage for Fluffy, somewhat confused. Don't worry little friend, your sacrifice is for the greater good. So all the little boys can have unlimited soda or something. Why do you need it in a cage though. Kittens are hardly so dangerous they need to be on lockdown. It also looks a little suspicious during daylight hours.
Besty is so distraught about her cat's imminent death, that she can't hold her tears in. You know, maybe the plan to torment her sister by letting her know of your plan to stab your cat isn't good for morale. Curly ultimately doesn't know to separate business from pleasure. Learn from the examples of other great supervillains, kid. Wait, are they all in the same class? I thought Betsy was a tag-along for her brother and her friend...but it seems the other kids are her peers? Or did Curly make the black kid stay back a year to keep an eye on her? "You say 2+2=5 or I'll punch your lights out." Ah, it seems our ginger moppet isn't just a conjurer of the dark arts...but also keeps the black man down. Hell, that's why he want to make kitty tar tar. Because it's a black cat. Just an all around choad.
Miss Johnson is concerned about Betsy. Having a head like a mango is a hard cross to bear, but it teaches one compassion. Actually, if this takes place in some kind of Peanuts universe, shouldn't she sound like "Bwam bwam bwam bwam bwam"? Jack missed a chance for a real play on words. Also, she isn't on a first name basis with her brother's minions? One of her classmates that sits right next to her? Is the other kid Hispanic or some other minority? Is Curly instilling his sister that non-whites are not worthy of names? Dude, using the animal kingdom as ingredients for calling upon blasphemous elements is one thing, but to teach the youngin’s' to hate? You're starting to make me root for your tattle tale little sister, guy.
Betsy doesn't seem to understand that her cat is for all intents and purposes a hostage. So I mean, spilling the beans so blatantly isn't going to get the cat un-gutted any faster. I love the way Betsy points as Miss Johnson, all gravely and foreboding. I have to say, Miss Johnson looks promptly freaked out. She's seen The Omen and The Ring and most of Haley Joel Osment's oeuvre. She knows that a supernatural kid is twice as creepy as anything. She's now caught up in the tale of the supernatural, and it is unsettling. I mean, she's pointing. Like a Shakespearean witch!
Of course, the teacher doesn't worry for too long. She knows spells are of no use to her. However, it seems the religious are very much prone to car accidents and heart attacks. But magic? pshaw. Another young kid is completely oblivious to the single most well know person in history. I'm not sure who I've heard of first--Jesus or Spider-Man, but it was close. Still, even in her ignorance, she remembers to capitalize her Godly pronouns. And is this the first time Miss Johnson has waxed evangelical? Because wouldn't the secular/satanic institution known as the public school system have her sacked like potatoes by now?
Jesus made the universe. Which, in retrospect, isn't much of an accomplishment. It's alright I guess...but Gene Roddenberry's universe has conveniently human looking aliens that are green, and very hot. The universe you created just has cosmic dust and sorcerous pre-teen bigots.
Even Mrs. Johnson does wrong things. For instance, stalling for time while a caged kitty is about to have separation anxiety with its vital organs, while she boasts in a game of magical rock paper scissors, she always wins. Also, as an old maid teacher, she masturbates furiously. Look at that angel. He doesn’t even want to have to touch the filthy little puke. He just hopes he'll go away on his own, and that'll be the end of that. I say let the kid in. I mean, he climbed all the way from Hell to the pearly gates. That may not erase sin, but it still deserves some kind of consolation prize.
The girl assumes soap and water is what'll make you good enough for Heaven. To be fair, if the teacher didn't describe the sinner as being filthy as all get out, it wouldn't confuse the poor girl. Also, she hints that there's a better way. Which...wouldn't that indicate that, while soap and water isn't the ideal means of getting into heaven, it's probably not out of the question. So after my night of whore-mongering and drinking heavily, I'll just take five showers. God'll have nothing on me then!
Man is it me, or is there something a little coldhearted about the way Jesus is being sent to Earth? "Don't let the atmosphere hit your ass on the way down". Also, talking to the Betsy like she's in the third person? Totally condescending.
That Roman Soldier guy sure is whipping the hell out of the cross isn't he? I mean, I guess he got a couple of lucky shots at the Lord, but at that range, he shouldn't be missing so badly. "Then what happened?" Once again, if the girl doesn't know about Jesus, wouldn't "he died" be a good enough end for her? If she's naturally predisposition to thinking things happen after death, why is she so worried about fluffy?
I never knew they buried Christ right next to his old cross. The one place they'd never look! Seriously, when Jesus comes out of that cave, the Centurions will probably be like "What are you doing offa your cross" and nail the poor guy right back up again. I know carrying the dead is an icky business, even with the aid of that spiffy ladder, but when you're trying to hide the messiah, you should put a little more work into it. But it seems the Romans' eyesight was as good as their aim, and Jesus is feeling pretty fresh after the third day. Hell, he's pretty ecstatic. He's glowing over his conquering of death. I can hear him shouting "Boo-ya!" all the way over here.
I just noticed something. Mrs. Johnson has no pupils. Ever. That's creepy. It's like she's an FBI agent or something. So basically, Miss Johnson converts Betsy on the spot. She's careful enough not to do it on school grounds, but make no mistake, another one is added to the flock. Of course, she has to know she's probably going to get fired, now matter how private the ceremony is. Things Betsy's privy too have a way of getting around, is all I'm saying. The iceberg the Titanic hit has nothing on her loose lips.
That girl is singing like a friggin' canary. I don't know if she understands that being "with them" means not giving every last detail of their plan. Come to think of it, I think Betsy is a cunning little minx. Instead of just asking for help, she passive aggressively put Mrs. Johnson on a guilt trip, and makes it looks like she's not telling on anyone, but the information just got out.
They're casting the spell to get better grades? The band of ruffians is spilling innocent blood in order to be better teacher's pets? Kids...do you really, really think memorizing the Grimorium Arcanorum is really that much harder than learning the capital Florida or spelling "Receive"? Spellbooks are written in Latin, which isn't even taught anymore, so you little shits consider yourself lucky. In fact, I'm pretty sure that the kids have more sinister purposes for manipulating Miss Johnson. It's a disconcerting thought, but she doesn't want to take any chances. After all, she isn't half as hot as Mary Kay Laturno, and that one who posed for the calendars. The media would not be on her side. Besty comes home and finds the cage is empty. What? Fluffy somehow got out of his death-cage, and you're still not happy? You are a fucking cry baby.
Curly seems upset his sister isn't in a witch costume but really...are you one to talk? What the hell is your costume supposed to be? Like, I get that one kid is a devil...sure, that works with the coven theme fine. And a ghost? Hey, ghosts are creatures of the supernatural. But you're just...a guy with an ugly face and a sweater? Is it supposed to be caricature of some oppressed minority, you little racist? An old Jewish man? Seriously, lamest costume ever. Also, he has Fluffy. I love how he still has his trick or treat pail with him too. Hey, obtaining mystical energies may be the highlight of the night, but it doesn't have to be the only thing they do that night. After they kill Fluffy and resign their souls to Lucifer for an easy A the next seven months, it's back to candy business as usual.
Oh, the best laid plans of cats and mice. Who would have thought they'd have been caught by Mrs. Johnson...in her own yard? While Miss Johnson feels Satan has no power over her, it's probably best to hedge her bets. Satanic or not, I don't think I'd want kids using my lawn as a butchery. Though she had to catch them in the act, didn't she? Couldn't she call someone's parents and say "Your kid is planning on hexing me to be his thrall by killing your cat. I recommend psychiatric help". Guidance counselors are sort of out of their depth here.
For a bunch of bloodthirsty little monsters, they sure are suck-ups. "Yes Miss Johnson, we won't slay cute little animals". Homework is their anti-drug. If you can call infatuation with necromancy a drug. In fact, maybe calling their parents wouldn't do any good. Just a smidgen of authority and the kids are placated. Maybe this is seriously just a cry for attention. Curly and Betsy come from a broken home. They just wanted to obtain magic grades and manipulate non-whites so their Neo-Nazi parents would love them. And you know what? That cat is pretty underfed. I also don't think this is the end of their supernatural misadventures. Sure, they may be ready to hit the (non-written in blood) books now, but I bet one of those kids is going to crack and summon the occult when he has trouble getting up the gym rope. And all's well that ends well, until Betsy got home and her brothers beat the hell out of her. The end.
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