Dark Dungeons: Fact or Fiction?

Let's take a look at Dark Dungeons, Chick's answer to the Dungeons and Dragons phenomenon. Now, when it comes to his attacking his targets, Jack couldn't know less what he was talking about if he spoke a foreign language. One of his common targets, however, is pop-culture's fascination for the occult, in this case, Dungeons and Dragons, which he renames as an analogue, Dark Dungeons. Let's see if Jack's head is so far up his ass that his ass hair meets his back hair, or he simply just has a good view of his sphincter.







More girls than boys play turn-based role-playing games: False! While the fantasy culture has in fact attracted more and more females over the years, especially in the field of literature, the cadence of Dungeons and Dragons (and all proxies/parodies therein) with its hormonally imbalanced Barbarians and creature classes that are pretty much the result of rape, would not endear itself to girl geeks, at least to the point of a 55/45 majority. In fact, the male players seem to be a little buff for rpg players. Rolling those dice and reaching for Cheetos really puts the biceps on, huh? Actually, it's sort of reasonable to assume this particular playership would draw out the cool crowd, because that Dungeon Master? Hot! I can imagine all sorts of posers lining up. However, the fact that the guys don't even say anything to the girl players? Totally true. Another falsehood is the setting--a proper D&D game would be played in basement, or at least not in front of the sliding glass door, where all the neighbors can see. Worst enclave ever.
You will be disowned if your character dies: False. The role-playing hierarchy can be quite cruel, and there are several ways to get ex-communicated; You get an Orc confused with a Goblin...your poetry isn't epic enough...they find out you watch Dragonabll Z...however, your character dying? In a world where raising the dead is less of an expense or a bother than buying a really boss cloak, biting it is a nothing more than a nuisance. Also, since Marcie seems to fit the nerd profile more than most (the insecurity, obsession, poor fashion sense) I would believe she'd at the very least not be the first go, as opposed to the Johnny Varsity-come-latelys who came trolling for Wiccan sex.

D&D board games are used for outsourcing by real life character classes: False, at least to my knowledge. For instance, I tended to play as a Ranger, yet I never got recruited for any sort of national park that needed help keeping bears away from innocent pic-a-nic baskets. Now, I'm probably not the most skilled ranger in the world, but on the other hand, it appears Debbie is not much of a cleric, as the main duties of one entails healing their compatriots. The majority of her's end up Gelatinous Cube-food, and stay that way. If this is how they headhunt for talent, it's a wonder the Armageddon hasn't come already.

Sorcery buffs dress up in absurd outfits well into adulthood: Totally true. You ever go to the theater on the opening night of a Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings movie? And that's what they wear in public. Just imagine the kind of attire they garb themselves in behind closed doors. I do have to point out that Diana is a Goddess of the Moon, and these guys are standing around a star. It appears Jack doesn't just want to portray pagans as evil, but also as incompetent. That sound you hear is backfiring.

D&D is a gateway to real power: False, whenever you hear about disgruntled dorks getting violent, they use guns. Not magic spells. Not even medieval weaponry. Homecoming queens never get turned into frogs or blasted to oblivion. It's drinking that does them in. I don't know what kind of magic these guys learn, but the applications don't sound vast.


Most girls use magic spells in order to get their fathers to buy them things: True. You don't even have to be join the Church of the Moon Goddess or anything. Just utter this powerful incantation; "Mom's boyfriend said he has to go to Disneyland for his job, and said I could come along". Works like a charm. A bondage charm that is. Fun fact-Debbie uses bondage powers, and worships at the alter of Diana. Diana is the real name of Wonder Woman, created by bondage freak William Moulton Maston. Coincidence? Why the Hell not?

When alone, D&D players "fight the zombie": False, unless it's a euphemism for masturbation. Seriously, D&D by yourself is sort of against the point, and possibly illegal. "And then, at the last minute, the mighty Elfstar vanquished the Red Dragon, using a long-forgotten spell she just heard of at the last minute. I gain a hundred thousand experience points, and a million gold coins. Awesome." I think a more likely occurrence would be Debbie writing fan-fiction entitled "Elfstar Saves All of Narnia." By the way, is it me, or does Debbie's mom look a lot like Ms. Frost. Either there's parental abandonment issues, or it's some weird Captain Hook/Mr. Darling storytelling device at work. Which means Ms. Frost isn't real and Debbie's insane.
If a D&D lover becomes a shut-in, it's unusual behavior: False In fact, if your role-playing kid starts enjoying things like sunlight or talking to you about things other then bugbear-killing techniques, then you should be worried. Just slide some pizza under the door every once and while and be thankful if you don't have to pay for an World of Warcraft subscription or something.

Players kill themselves if their character dies: False. Most of the time, we're a little relieved when our guy bites it. Because our first shot at character creating? Sucks. We think it'd be so awesome to play as a Barbarian, until every rule in the book is foisted against us. What Marcy may see as death, fans see as a new beginning. Of course, if she played as a bard, then she wouldn't have had to kill herself. Someone else would have killed her fist. And gotten 2,000 points.
A message from a fantasy lover is both spelled correctly, and concise and to the point.: False. Marcy's suicide note should read something like "OMG! Y AM IS SUCH A NOOB?//// B-BY CR00L WERLD" or, conversely, come across as long winded "And I was so sad that Blackleaf died and I don't understand it, because I always thought I was good at it and my mom said I was so creative and you remember when we were in second grade and we had to make storybooks and the teacher said mine was so good and I was "her little author" and (cont on back...)"
To players, the game is above life and death: True. Unless it was the life of Orlando Bloom or something. That would melt even Ms. Frost's icy heart. Shit just typing that made me a little misty. By the way, Deb, if you're such a great cleric, why not bring her back to life or something? Seriously, you are just not very good at this. And to think, how cool would it be to have a comic strip dedicated to Zombie Marcy, roaming the Earth, eating the brains of lesser D&D players?
Fantasy fans are fickle about their loyalties: True. Nerds tend not have the best attention spans, and quickly grow tired over the obsessiveness of their fellows. Just listen to how many Twilight fans "graduated" from Harry Potter. (Though that's frankly selling your house for a trailer) You can say your wanting to cut out has to do with not hurting people, Debbie, but we all know the truth. You just stumbled into a Battlestar Galactica marathon and now it's all "Space! Space! Space!".

Dungeon Masters get violent when angry: To an extent. But they usually kick around furniture. However, your typical vindictive Dungeon Master isn't going to go out and fight people, no, not with the fear of getting their ass kicked back in retaliation. No, your typical DM will go spread nasty things about you on their blog, and the next time you gather for your next game. Passive aggression is the tool of the devil.

A strapping young man in a varsity jacket will come to the rescue of a poor misguided Guild Bunny: True. Of course, not because he cares about her eternal soul or anything, no Mike is in the business of getting into Debbie's Galadriel-loving pants. And why not? Look at her almost sleeveless shirt. She's asking for it. This of course, would not be the case if Debbie was a guy. The only thing Mike would be saving him from is a diet free of toilet water.

Your local pastor knows what he's up against: False. Not if he knows as much as Chick seems to. But like I said, it's all a ploy for play. His eyes say "Lawful Good", but his groin says "Chaotic Fuckin' Ya."


Role-playing is a dungeon of bondage: False. Nah...that's just soda. (or one should hope soda) I have a feeling, however, the Pastor simply put "The Dungeon of Bondage" on the Church bulletin board just to attract more attendees.


Christ spoke against Role-Players in one of his psalms: True. "A man shall not pretend he is a dwarf or a halfling for the purpose of fighting a golem. It is an abomination in the eyes of God, and people who work at Abercromble and Finch. So sayeth the Lord." By the way, did the Pastor's coat change colors or something? That's pretty amazing, considering this a black and white comic.


D&D players's lives are a mess: False. Their rooms, cars, or desks (if they have jobs) on the other hand, are a different story. I wonder if the pastor can doing something with Debbie making it all about her?

Spirits of the Occult inhabit D&D Players: False On the other hand, that might explain that dark forces that are Vin Diesel's movie career. If that was the case, why would they go possessing teenagers? Aren't the world leaders out there or something? Taking the laws of the Jack Chick universe into account, wouldn't a girl be a poor place to use a vessel for steering the world towards Hell on Earth? After all, Debbie's a girl, and the minute people start seeing girls accomplishing things, right-minded people would start getting suspicious. It wouldn't be Debbie's "personality" that made her such a promising Priestess, now would it. It sounds like anyone could become an avatar and start kicking ass at board games. Is there one for Jenga? I'll sell my soul just to win a game of Jenga!

Church groups hold rallies to burn role-playing merchandise: Not sure. But I imagine whatever group got stuck with that would be at the bottom rung of the witch-hunting circle. Imagine as they're throwing graph paper into the flames, a swanky car pulls up "Hey dorks, we just came back from burning Lady Gaga albums! Smell you later"