What's Wrong With This? American Graven Idols

                   

It's an amazing world we live in. From so many different regions and creeds, different civilizations and societies formed. We spend so much time in our own routines and daily life, it never occurs to us what kind of diversity and flavor this planet is filled to the brim with. And how wrong, wrong wrong it all is. Ancestors? Elephants? Afterlives? Come on, that's all phooey and you know it. It's obvious the many different continents of the world have far too much pepper in their chili, and it's our job to water it right down.

Come take a walk through the art gallery, but keep in mind, the Word of God isn't subjective, and he's a lot more tempestuous than Vincent Van Gough, and he'll be the one critiquing you.

     

A patron at a local art gallery finds a picture of some faraway native disgusting. She might have a point. I know we should respect other cultures and everything, but I have to tell you, that bone through the nose thing is pretty disturbing. I'm clasping my schnozz thinking about it. Oh, wait, it's the blasphemy that's getting her goat? Blasphemy? First lady, it's a painting. It's just a damn painting. Paintings don't have to worry about sinning, because they don't have souls, don't die, because they were never alive, and there isn't a painting Hell. (Well, maybe there is, and they get sent to adorn your local Applebee’s) Besides, you're going to a museum, where their job is to show what people throughout history, whether they were supposed to or not.

One man's trash is another man's treasure, and one man's arts and craft project is another's supreme ruler. And still another's "that's stupid." Wow. For a patron of high art. this lady possesses attributes one would not apply to the sophisticated nor the open minded. Well, I do suppose there's nothing wrong with it, but Wooden Chicken Gods need help too. Like, from Termite Colonel Sanders or something. The lady looks at the curator like he's on crack, which is probably a fair assumption, judging by those bags under his eyes.

Still this just doesn't make sense to the woman. Why can't it help him? Because the only thing less fictional than the God is the person worshipping it? No, because it's a dumb idol. Aww, you know, just because it came from a well-to-do-idol family doesn't mean it didn't work very hard throughout school. It's not a rocket scientist or brain surgeon, sure, but how many graven images need to fly in rockets or perform surgical procedures anyways? It reads. A lot. It seems there's a sculpture of the poultry deity we saw in the painting before. I have a feeling we're going to see a pretty harsh copyright infringement case on whatever island these works come from. Our vehement woman-about-town also seems to think no one worships brainless, material images in the civilized world. Hyeah right. I don't think Britney Spears falls into "turning water into wine" category of worship-subjects.

See, this guy's paid to be long-winded for a living, so you're giving him an excuse, Ma'am. Don't you just hate it when your museum tour guides are know-it-alls? I know I do. Why can't my tour guides be something like the village idiot? I may not learn anything, but at least I'll feel somewhat smart by the end of the day. So, she knows what blasphemy is, but she doesn't know the story of Noah's Ark. Lady, when you're that in the dark, you're not allowed to call someone a know-it-all ever. And by the way. What's the kid doing reaching at the sleeping guy's hair? I mean, it looks like he hasn't washed it in ages, I'm not sure I'd even want to so much as touch it.

A glimpse at when mankind was less enlightened. Look how swarthy those heretics are. Man, you can tell how fucked up they are by their Oriental features. Truly, their hearts must be as dark as the rest of their faces, and souls as crooked at their highs. If they had any decency at all, they'd look like more Europeans. Only Noah walked with God, so he sort of escaped that nasty flood. Sort of how like my sister goes for walks with my Grandmother, so she's going to get that inheritance. Eh, I know, but that's one mighty elderly smell that emnates from her. Noah must be a trooper, because God has got to have a thousand times more the old person smell. God's shower of righteousness wipes out the competition. Unfortunately the sin was not wiped away from their heart. But that's okay, because said hearts are at the bottom of the ocean. No need to swab the sin Cap'n, 'tis at the bottom of Davey Jones's locker. Arr!

You can't teach an old sinner new tricks. Babylon is such a devious city, it has one of them obelisks, which is an evil, phallic symbol. Penises are so evil, that's why God created all of us with them. We see a wicked queen, who starts her own religion, and it gives her power. That is a sweet a deal. I'll start my own religion, right now; I am Skyblade, God of cute redheads and unlimited tacos! My power is undisputed, and my strength the bomb. Whoa, I have to tell you, Semiramis is quite the MILF. Very nice looking for her age. You really have to feel bad for the boy though; The kid was called "Nimrod". But perhaps it's fitting. He totally strikes me as a Momma's Boy. Mommy needs her leper-calluses scraped, and he'll do it. Dull glazed look in his eyes. And he think he's a unicorn! Such a precious unicorn! Whadda nimrod.

Apparently Nimrod wasn't so capable, as he ends up wormfood long before his mother hits menopause. Semiramis pops out another baby. You can tell she's trouble because she has working bits and pieces. Man, is there anything scarier than the power of a woman's fertility that doesn't kill her in childbirth? So she has a son, and claims he's a God, and thus he's the sun God. Hey, the Babylonians were just starting out with that whole "civilization" thing. They needed to keep things to shorthand. I don't know what's so unbelievable about this whole "Nimrod being reincarnated" thing. You see, when my hamster Puffy...he fell asleep, and then, the next morning, Muffy was awake again, only he looked different. So this is sort of the same deal...and...and...what have I...MUUUUUUUUUUUUFFFFYY!!!

It’s obvious she knows crap about theology, but she keeps speaking for the almighty. Is it me, or is this lady like one of those little sisters who are always getting into fights, and building you up? They say "oh yeah, well my brother’s going to kick the crap out of you right now, because he doesn't want you playing here at all!" She totally skips all those parts of the bible where God isn't kicking someone's ass. Anyhow, this dark religion kept taking different forms and adapting different cultures. Oh no, the dark religion is like a hipster! It'll totally show you bootlegs of the newest civilization that's worshipping it, and go on about how better they are than the dubs. Oh, speaking of annoying youngsters, what is with that kid taking the guys' hair? What possible purpose does that serve? I might not want to know.

It's becoming a little trying for the curator to explain the olden days. Once again, this lady is able to sum up thousands of years of history in the all-encompassing observation of "That's stupid." I wonder what her term papers must have looked like in College? "The Etruscans: Foundation of an Empire, or Poopyheads?" "Why the Mayans Had Cooties" and of course, her groundbreaking thesis "Whatever, Egypt Smells". I don't know what that boy is going to do with the strand of hair. He's like the Thin Man from Charlie's Angels, except instead of collecting follicles from beauticious secret agents, he steals them from bums. Does he have hobo voodoo dolls at home that he uses to make hobos fight each other and collect the profits? Certainly that kid needs a good dosage of witnessing more than some xenophobic middle aged woman with a superiority complex.

The pen is mightier than the sword, but God's sparkly finger beats them all. I wonder if God finds paper sinful and everything, considering whenever he tries to write on it with lightning bolts, the documents end up going up in flames. Do you think the Lord ever goes to movie theaters and uses his powers like a laser pointer. "Ha ha, look at this! I made your head explode! I am so awesome!" It seems the poor victim of hairnapping is scoping out how much worse things could be when scoping out that picture of Buddha. Who for some reason is laughing like a maniac in that pictures. I guess that's Jack's statement on Buddhists; On the outside they may seem calm and serene, but on the inside, they have a sense of humor, and a nasty one at that! I have to say, the way he's rubbing that necklace all over his gut like he’s sexy is kind of skeeving me out.

So even though the curator was defending the chicken worshiper before, idols are bad. You shouldn't make any graven image of something that exists in heaven alone. Except...what’s in heaven alone is in clouds. And out of all the heathen decorations I've seen, not once did I spot a cloud. Hell, even with the chicken statue--out all the birds in the world, chickens are probably the furthest from the heavens. So...weird. See God admits he's a jealous God. Even though jealousy is one of those sins. But never mind that!

A wariness regarding the paintings starts to develop. Ah, this poor woman. Before, she thought paintings were amusing, something to laugh at and thank God for how so damn white she was. But now she realizes fine art, like anything that isn't a sweater vest or a crew cut, is a tool of the devil. So it turns out Jesus came down from heaven to make sure we don't go worshipping idols. Which is kind of ironic, considering he was a carpenter. Once he told everyone to knock it off with engraving images, he probably wasn't invited to many Artisan softball leagues.

But perhaps he needed to train in carpentry in order to build mansions for his believers. That's right folks, provided you believe in the word of God, you get a nice spacious estate to live in. Just, you know don't furnish it or anything. But maybe you'll get to sleep on cloud beds and the like. And why does that hobo there have the magnifying glass? Because he was robbed of his hair? You already have an eyewitness account. Light haired kid with a striped shirt. I don't think any of these paintings will give you more evidence, provide the motive, etc.

I guess the carpentry thing is more of a hobby, not a vocation, as Jesus was really being primed for middle management. So somehow the lady, who makes fun of blasphemers she sees in paintings, has no idea that Jesus is the only way to Heaven? How did you think you were going to get there? Jesus's friend John would led you through the back door? And you don't even know what a mediator is? Lady, forget what I was saying about college before. You must have majored in "bag of rocks" with a minor in "box of hair."

I guess it pays to live forever, since Christ also breezed through law school. See, Jesus is your own personal defense attorney. Yeah, he's sort of like an attorney appointed by the state. And it's a really bad attorney too, because the judge wants to see you fry. I mean, God will give you the chair for having a thing for chickens, I'll get my own representation, thanks. Seriously, the only way God is giving you a lenient sentence if you're pleading guilty. Ask for him to forgive you, and it's like you haven't sinned at all. All those people trying to make the world a better place? Total suckers.

Man, this whole being saved business is a whopper, huh? Nope, quite the opposite. So God's plan is simple; Do whatever you want, except don't do anything he doesn't like. Oh, and don't listen to anything an inanimate object says, except large stone tablets with rules in them. Don't pray to anything that can't answer you back, but never mind that when you pray to God, he's probably not going to answer you back. See, religion is the tool of the devil. So no matter what your denomination, you're technically a Satanist! The curator puts down all the "good deeds", with the expression of an angry muppet. Being a nice person really is such an impossible goal, isn't it.

They always get a replay, they never tilt at all, those deaf dumb blind statues sure play a mean pinball. Hey, dude, I know you had your scalp molested by some weird little boy, but stay behind the lines, they're there for a reason! Of course, the museum guide doesn't care at all. Like most people in Chick's universe, actually doing his job is not really...his job. He's there to (badly) infiltrate segments of society to make believers out of all of us! Even talking about how bad paintings and statues are...in a place that displays images and statues!

Social stability and order is the most unholy of blaspheme of all. See religions are unmerciful. With their laws, and their ethics, and their demands of actually being good people to have a happy afterlife. Wouldn't you want to worship a nice, merciful God who drowns you under so much ocean when he's in a pissy mood? If you just follow God's law, you'll be free to do whatever you want. Except have same-sex relationships. Or fornicate. Or eat Halloween candy. Or read Harry Potter. But hey, at least you'll be able to sleep in Sunday morning! Actually, you won't be able to do that either. You're a soldier in God's army now, my friend. You got to be up bright-eyed, bushy tailed, and ready to annoy the crap out of people.

It's a shame, we're made to jump through hoops when it doesn't matter a whit. Every single non-Christian culture is an elaborate scheme to prevent people from being saved. Of course, I didn't hear about any burning bushes appearing in China or New Guinea...no Messiahs appearing in the Eastern World--but God's working on it! He only rules the entire universe! But it looks like we have ourselves a twist ending! She's been a Catholic the whole time! That explains her brusque, boorish behavior! That non-WASP blood boils her blood and melts her mind! You see beads are a trinket. So the kindly old curator told her that she didn't need that necklace at all--it was merely junk. And he would be happy to get rid of it. And sell it on e-bay. That's what we call a protestant work ethic.

She looks in a crappy painting of a dude with a bone through his nose and sees a mirror. So you see, Catholics are a lot like people indigenous to tropical regions who make chicken altars out of tree stumps. Both go to communion...wait, no...both adorn their faces with bones...hmm, there's not really much in common between them at all, is there. Except that both deserve people minding their own business, I guess. However, Miss Doesn't-Know-It-All is moved by the curator's words--after all, most of them were one syllable. She now vows to curb her brazen ways. She wants to be saved. And it's totally safe to say that it has everything to do with sincerity, and nothing to do with free mansions. At all.

Is this humility we see from such a proud woman? So our big-mouthed lady friend realizes the error of her ways. From now on, she won't call people from other cultures "stupid". Rather, they are "misguided", strongly influenced by the devil. and completely incapable of noticing it herself. The brown, yellow, and red people of the world don't deserve our scorn. They warrant our pity. But...okay, yeah it's okay to poke fun at them every once in a while. I mean, did you see that weird tribal haircut? So rich!