Univited: Queer as Folklore

 

We often fear what we don't understand. And that is a very, very good thing, because if we were meant to understand it, it would be written down in the King James Bible and that would be that. But the uncivillized corners of the world houses eerie, maelevolent sports that wish to undermine all that it is good in the world. Wish to undermine it in the butt. That's right, today we're going to be talking about homosexuals. The gay community constantly tells us it's not a choice.Well it isn't. It's actually the result of demonic possession. There is a choice to be found in such dire straits, however. Just correctly answer the yes-and-no-question of "Jesus".

                                 

I usually don't talk about covers that much, but this one seems to indicate something like an alien lifeform will appear in these pages. So exciting! I mean, I always though the belief in extra-terrestrial life was a sin, at least according to Jake Busey's character in contact. So from appearances, this is an old folk's home? Which, an old folks home for the really, really despised, because it's out in the woods. Possibly Voorhes country. I  don't even see a driveway here. Do they drop the elderly in through helicopters? Catapults? No wonder this guy is getting the creeps. This a neighborhood only suitable to grizzled old men who hunt bears for food. Not octogenarians who are apparently timid by virtue of not dying young from harassing said bears. Anyways, they just want a little company. Will their kindly nurse Clara help them out by reading them to sleep?

 

Wait, this isn't an old folk's home, but a hospital? What the hell kind of hospital is in the middle of the woods? Clara is reading ghost stories. In the middle of some creepy location that gives Stephen King idea-boners. Actually, from the eerie glow on her face, it seems she gets off on it. I'm getting a vibe of "morbidly unhinged" off her. If I were her patients, I wouldn't try an argue with her and call her beliefs "baloney". I would nod, smile, and slowly walk back into my room, and lock my door befor huddling in a fetal position until the sun went up. Hmm, reading stuff that's very creepy, and full of crap. I bet Jack's advertising his own tracts again. By the way, I guess it's no wonder the guy's sleeping pills aren't working. If she thinks the supernatural is the cause for her patients being in this place, then it's evident she knows shit-all about medicine.

Dying because of some kind of supernatural force. If it was anybody else, this would be an intriguing premise. Here I know it's gonna be some bullshit guilt trip in the guise of a twist that would make M. Night Shyamalan ashamed. I agree with the long-faced balding guy, once again, this lady is hella-unqualified. I mean, she can't have passed her nursing courses if the answer to every one of her test questions was "I think this is Goblins. It's the patient's own damn fault, if you ask me." Otherwise, she lied. And that's totally a sin. But Considering this medical facility is out in the middle of nowhere, I'm half-wondering if this is some kind of Misery type cabin where a crazy bookworm ladies takes in the sick and treats them with her own...unique expertise. She isn't even that comforting a nurse, as she pretty much just told Bobby to fuck off.

If she's saying the kinds of things that are offensive to gays, I'm pretty sure they can file a complaint. In Chick's world, gays hold such a tight grip on the world it's a conspiracy, but don't mirror a very real-word threat of bashing?  The nurse has been pissing these guys off for a while, and they've had it up to here, at least when not a little afraid of what she might do. I'm actually kind of freaked out by this atmosphere. No matter how much you piss your nurse off, if she messes with your meds, that gets her fired. That she's apparently Nurse Ratchet, only with people who are terminally ill? Unless the pain medication is extra-superfluous, and she's as a nurse, also their de facto dealer. So either lethally vindictive or corrupt. I take it they don't have a particularly high opinion of Clara.

 Hatahs gonna hate! Hatahs gonna gay bait! I don't buy that she loves them "enough to put up with them", unless her nursing duties are pro-bono. They might be at this point, because it doesn't seem to operate like a business. In any case, once you've washed bedpans and sponge-bathed your derelict charges, actual jokes they made about prostates can't be that bad. Unless they're sodomy jokes. That's just gross and stuff.

 Oh, so it turns out these guys have AIDS. So are they out there, isolated in the backwoods so society can hide them? That's probably how Jack wishes it could be. I bet he even thinks public toilets give him AIDS. Once again, Clara is telling these dudes they're all for shit, because she loves them. Clara is the worst fag hag ever.

Man, when I talk about Stephen King, I'm right, because now we're getting into The Green Mile territory. Might I say, we're also getting into territory the author has neither the skill nor perspective to do anything resembling justice. So I guess the experience gives her the "right", in that a bunch of sickly gay men pose so little threat to her rape-wise, she's finally in a place she can lash out. Because otherwise, I really don't see what one has to do with the other at all.

 Yes, that something crawling inside you is the rapist's growing fetus. Too bad fundamentalists don't want you aborting it. I wonder if that's the nasty thing going in her head. I don't think any idea though, can be nastier than the sentiment that being raped infects you with evil. Like the so-called hospital, the Church Clara is walking into is also in the middle of nowhere. I don't see any parking. It's more like a medieval village than anything. Also, the church looks like it's actually a barn with a cross nailed to the top. I wouldn't be surprised if the parish is called "Our Lady of Complete and Utter Crackpots."

You know what I see people not saying that maybe should be said? "Clara, it's not your fault. There's nothing to be ashamed of. The people who did this, who perpetuated the crime, they're the sinners, not you." No, it's "Yeah, you kind of a filthy whore now, but that's okay because we got the right kind of Spic 'n Span for it and it's called The Lord." Just saying, it's real nice that these men in the last throes of their life are being preached to by a bitter old lady who's local denomination was "Blaming the victim."

 The footnote asks the burning question, "Can Lesbians Get HIV or AIDS?" I'd say the answer is yes, considering every human being alive is capable of getting AIDS. If Jack is implying the Sapphically-inclined are immune, then this very strip serves as the ultimate recruitment poster for the other (softball) team. Clara revealing the bombshell that every AIDS patient she diagnosed was molested as a child. I actually, for one, buy that. No, I don't think being molested makes you gay. I just believe that this community is out in the middle of some isolated wilderness with only faith healers as community leaders, it's probably given to reason that rape and disease run rampant, and there's a little bit of overlap.

All the boys corroborate her theory on molesting=gay. You'd think they resist at least a little on coming clean.  By the way, I gotta wonder about the brawny bald guy who's babysitter raped him into gaydom. Does that mean his babysitter was a dude? Did his parents, unable to get a grandma or teen girl saving up for her first phone-line, just hired so dude in his mid-thirties who was all-too eager to watch over the lad? His parents really must have done a number there, which explains why he seems to have the most AIDS of all the AIDS. You know, the logic that being sexually assaulted results in you being tainted on a spiritual level sounds like the kind of thing you might hear from those radical Muslim countries that hate A-Murr-Ca so much, doesn't it?

Oh yes, nothing backs up the belief getting diddled in the basement turns you into an Avatar of buggery like the story of Noah's Ark. Yep, every animal type on the entire Earth was on that arc, whereupon Noah did a little tour depositing animals in their indigenous habitats we know them from. Noah spent so much time dropping off the platypus in Australia, the lemurs in Madagascar and the sloths in South America, he had no time to sin. At least for the forty days and forty nights. So yeah, what was I saying? Oh yes, I'm sure these guys will be swayed by the one story above all stories that takes even the most literal eight year-olds out of the Bible.

 Those demons actually look pretty bummed the guy is dead. I mean, I'm sure the art is meant to convey they're thrilled they killed him and he's in Hell now...but the iguana guy is really, really sad. They were probably besties. Annual trips to Vermont, antiquing. The demon taught the guy about sin, but the guy taught the demon about...being human. A well-groomed dead human. But you had better move on, demons. I have a feeling this gent was reasonably popular in the Bay Area. I can't just tell he's a silver fox. Like, a cock-loving John Slatterty. It also brings up the whole Sodom and Gomorah thing. Yes, sodomy is derived from that city. But etymology is a funny thing. For instance, Philistine originally meant the arch-foes of the first monotheists. But now, "philistine" is probably most commonly used to describe the kind of person who opposes gay marriage and wants creationism taught in schools.

So Sodom is presented as a fable on why you should not fuck butts. Actually, the family was safe for about five minutes, but then the wife turned  salt and Lot's daughters put it in while they were sleeping to bear his chldren. So my point is, the hell God isn't playing games. He's playing darts on a chart that says "Weirdest shit I can do to my followers." The whole "Sodom and Gomorahh" episode netted him a thousand points. Or maybe infinity points. Nobody really quibbles with the numbers on the guy who will piss asteroids on them.

Clara talks about how powerful Satan is, and that all the armies of the world are under his control. This is the problem with conspiracy theories. People are obsessed with finding out where the Wizard of Oz syncs up with the Dark Side of the Moon, or spotting that munchkin that hung himself, they miss more obvious, real tidbits like the Wizard disguising himself as his own palace guard. Another case would be swearing that AIDS is an epidemic orchestrated by Satan, that it doesn't occur to you that the problem could be solved with more condoms in Third World countries.

 Shit man, the heart is our enemy. The bigger we allow it to grow, the more room there is for evil to grow! Generosity and love for your fellow man is just playing into people's games. Fuck my heart. Fuck it with calories and deep-fried salvation! That totally explains the rate of heart attacks in the Bible Belt. They're eating unhealthy for the lord!

 I think I see some kind of garden-variety horned devil in there. But what's the other one? He kind looks like a hedgehog. Hedgehog! Sonic! Sonic the Hedgehog is an emisarry of Satan. His collecting the gold rings is symbolic for sodomy. His companion Tails has two tails because he "goes both ways". And he runs really fast because jogging is a good way to keep your heart going. He's enticing children to run...run all the way to hell!

All things were created for Jesus. So does that mean gay sex was created for him? Did he just create it so he could be like "Okay, see those guys getting it on from behind. Don't do that." Like a kind of Goofus and Gallant of sexuality? (Although if you asked me which one was less likely to be straight, it was totally Gallant.)  Jesus is the one who died for these guys. But not of AIDS. That's an icky Butt Rape disease. He did it by getting nailed...uh, by being thrust by a spear...oh forget it.

I suppose 50% ain't a bad score when converting the masses. It figures that the guy on the utmost right isn't buying into the whole thing. Look at him, with his smug look and his glasses. His glasses he probably needs for reading. Go read your Darwin, Mr. Reader. The guy who looks like a lawyer also goes on about how he "hates your Jesus". Come on, even the fervently anti-religious don't hate Jesus, zombie jokes aside. But then again, this lady has not made a good case for Christ. It's like that friend who keeps saying you should see that new sci-fi show and people are idiots because it canceled. You start to think "Okay, I'm just not gonna watch it to spite you." Bobby, the most normal and least elitist-looking one is totally on board with conversion. I wonder if saying you're not going to be gay anymore is really that big a gesture when you're all quarantined and bedridden.

Clara talks about how the big, bad gays are pressuring the governments of the world. Strong-arming them into denying them their rights. Yes, the gay community does frighten many politicians. It's called "homophobia". Gays also frighten politicians by reminding people they exist, and thus their wives wonder they're spending all their time with the handsome young intern.

So we end with a warning that we could once again become another Sodom and Gamorrah. To be honest, I think that's going to happen. In the original story, the last straw was the crazy townfolk denying a shot at hitting Lot's two teenage daughters, because they wanted to bone the guy angels too much. What I'm saying is, as long as teenage girls are getting it, I think the world is safe. Because however much gay dudes are doing it, I think today's teenage girls are doing it that much more. Unless To Catch a Predator put a stop to all that. Thanks a lot, Brian Hanson.