That's Baphomet? Goatse-rmonizing

I wouldn't want to be part of any club that would have me as a member. For some though, their criteria for joining organizations are less based on self-loathing, and more based on not trafficking in the realms of darkness. The Freemasons are one of the oldest, most mysterious, and some say powerful secret societies throughout history. History Channel keeps telling me they're the architects of this country. The Simpsons tell me they disbanded to form the "No Homers Club." It's hard to really know what they're all about. Luckily, one man knows what their deal is. One man can cut through the shroud of mystery, and bring their dark dealings to light. A man who knows a little thing himself about being reclusive and weaving substantial webs of total bullshit.

It was a dark night. It was a stormy night. A policeman arrives to bring a family some disturbing news. What could have happened, officer? What has this storm, so powerful it knocked the phone lies out, done to some innocent young person. Was in accident? Was somebody in an accident? Their son Tommy...has been shot. What a twist! I wonder if there's some kind of "severe thunderstorm" to "gun wounds to thunderstorms corollary" going around. Perhaps all the Crips and Bloods need are a little sunshine on the outside.

Wait? So not only was it not a car accident, but it wasn't even gang related? Suicide? Then...why do the police have to arrive at their house? Did they hear a gun shot, pick him up, take him to the hospital, file the proper paperwork, then go back to the kid's parents house to let them know what happened? Because otherwise, this kid went to a whole lot of trouble to blow his brains out when the weather was brutal enough to do it in all by itself. Do you think he was out on the road thinking "Oh man, this storm is really making it hard for me to commit suicide!" I don't know, I'm trying to get into the mind of a kid so inept with a gun that, in a suicide attempt, shot himself in a place that was not fatal, but lodge in a place that made recovery of the bullet a nuisance. I'm just saying, guys, this is a very specific level of botched suicide.

How could the kid who had everything want to do himself in? Maybe it's a statement about the American Dream, and the hollow pursuit of material possessions. Or do you mean love? Well, then he obviously tried to kill himself because he wanted more stuff. "No will to live." Well, there's no arguing with such a sophisticated medical diagnosis like that. It's really strange that Tommy's not doing so great, since his fine team of doctors obviously graduated top of their class from Star Wars Medical University. The couple is greeted and comforted by who I assume is a family friend, Ed. Also, Ed found out about the lad's condition after three days? You'd think bad news would travel faster. Maybe this means it's good news, and Tommy's a little shit. Or Ed likes to partake of the drink and the gadabout lifestyle.

So Alex is a religious leader? A shepherd of the flock? Just for Jack to show that your local minister, pastor, whatever, is not to be trusted. Jack doesn't need those messengers from God. He hears the voice of God himself. The voice of God, and those little matchbooks with the turtle on them. It's a little strange though, that a Deacon is a shriner in a Masonic Lodge. Not even for any theological conflict of interests, or wanting to be open with the community, or wanting to avoid any suspect behavior whatsoever. But because that would mean that Alex is in Episcopalian, and thus, incapable of doing anything even mildly interesting. That's just kinda snotty. I mean, it's like saying "You subscribe to Cosmo, Jennifer. I had no idea you were a filthy whore."

Sally is a Mason? I thought those kinds of things were men-only affairs. Well, it's no wonder the Scotts think their masonic order is so upstanding. You think they do they really cool stuff around the deacon and his wife? As soon as the Scotts stop in, Stripper night is just off. They'll pretend to read from the bible, maybe suggest reading to people at the old folks' home. I wonder who invited him in, in the first place? That's just like going out of your way to add your parents on Facebook.

Wait, if Ed was a Lodge member, and Alex is a Lodge member, and they live in roughly the same community, shouldn't they both, conceivably, know each other as Lodge members? Shouldn't they have bumped into each other at secret meetings, shown secret handshakes or rings when Alex had trouble with the neighbors or Ed wanted a "prescription" filled? I know Jack loves his conspiracy theories, as we're about to see, but this seems to be one of those parodies of secret societies, ones so secret, the members haven't even met the other members. Anyways, Ed brings up Baphomet, who's completely Satanic. See, there are various scales of Satanic. Cinnamon toast is like, 5% satanic, Valentine's Day cards are a good 60% satanic, but for compete, unfiltered satanism, there's only Baphomet. Accept no substitutes.

Alex defers to his wife for any info on Baphomet. Because like all good suburban wives, Sally's just totally into that shit. She could name demons like they were the band members of the Monkees. So Ed had reached the highest levels of the Masonic Order and just...walked? I mean, in Jack Chick's world, saying that you don't agree with homosexuality is enough to invite a drive-by-hit. But this guy learned all the ins-and-outs of the most evil organization in the world (Or a branch of it), but he's coming and going as he pleases, all-how-do-you-do? Shouldn't some creepy guy in a black robe be stalking behind him, ready to slit his neck? Ed doesn't seem troubled by the possibility at all. I mean, even if they're just Scientology, they'll at least sue the shit out you, and Ed seems to be wearing a pretty swanky suit.

Ed  just carries around demonic memorabilia in his car all the time. Can you imagine carpooling with this dude.?"Can you get my insurance out of the glove compartment?" "Sure thing Ed. Ed, why are there photos of a creepy man-Goat thing?" "Oh, that's Baphomet, Satan's worldly arm. You see, I used to be a member of a secret organization that revered this warden of darkness." "Ed." "What's up?" "Can we just pull over at that laundromat there. I think I left my laundry in there. If you don't see me come out, don't wait up." By the way, Sally's being an absolute nag, isn't she? "Oh God Alex, what did you do this time? Remember in the 90's when you were all like 'Hey, 11 CDs for once cent! Wotta deal! And then things just went to Hell from there? It's Columbia House all over again!"

Now, I'm basically indifferent to pagan symbolism and I don't freak out when I see a pentagram. But is this really the first time Sally has been confronted with the concept of the five point star having satanic images? I mean, you don't have to believe it, but you have to know it, like how HAL is a letter off each from IBM or that Elvis is an alien or something. Holy crap, a goat's head is shaped like a star! I didn't know that. Do you think a goat would look at that diagram and say "That's racist?" Like, all the other barn animals would call the goats "starhead" and then things would escalate into a Do the Right Thing situation. Anyways, I will be bumbled if after saying Ed has "gone too far", Sally's swayed by arbitrarily attaching a goat's head to a polygon.

Now the couple is totally pissed. I mean, I can't really blame them. Their son is hanging by a thread due to incompetent suicide and even more incompetent doctors, and their old friend, who couldn't be reached for three days, is telling them they're assholes.

Baphomet is hermaphroditic? I gotta say, he looked all man to me, but I admit I'm not that versed in goat vaginas, so he could have one for all I know. I gotta say I like the image of the Holy Spirit being a ghost that devoured his own tail. When I was a kid and I heard about the Holy Spirit, I was like "Oh boy, this incarnation of God is the badass one. He's secret, in the dark. He's God as Batman. I bet he punches evil in the THROAT! He SLAMS EVIL" But nope, he was the unsung, un-talked about facet of the trinity. The Boba Fett if you will. His scarcity only added to the mystique.

Baphomet is really...Satan! Man, here I was thinking the Chick sagas had some awesome new villain, but it's just the devil..again. It's like playing Legend of Zelda, and finding out the villain is the same guy over and over again. It is pretty odd that tarot card that came after Levi's drawing is considered the authority on the subject. That's like saying whatever happened in Braveheart was proof of Queen Isabelle being totally smoking hot. I mean, does Jack consider tarot cards to be canon anyways? If they're all used by filthy spiritualists, then it's one of those "How do you trust a liar when he says he's lying?" riddles.

See, the minute he said he wanted to be in the light, it was a middle finger to Jesus...who was the light. It's reverse psychology on a truly cosmic scale. Unless it's a copyright thing. "All light is © Jesus H. Christ, all rights reserved."

If the Obelisk is a Satanic symbol, does that mean Washington was Satanic? Which means the whole country of America was formed on ugly, Godless principals. Which means that, if you're a patriot of these fine United States, you're a minion of the Lord of Beasts? But who else appreciates the King James bible so much? Oh, the dilemma, the dilemma. Thing is, Masonry is to religion what Pizza Hut is to Italian food. It takes things that sound cool and authentic, and then prepackages it for a bunch of Midwestern folks with bucks to burn. Although, that analogy may lend credence to the belief that Masonry is spiritual death, since I'm pretty sure Pizza Hut is cardiac death.

Oh boy, another statement about how good deeds doesn't mean God likes you any more than if you were some bum on the couch who chanted his name. God is the God of "What have you done for ME lately?" Saatan once again dooms mankind by tricking people into doing good deeds for each other. "That orphanage is BUILT! You have fallen into my trap mortals, haw haw!" Does this mean that the Boy Scouts is a pagan organization? All those merit badges are like an abacus of your own lost soul. The only thing you're meriting boys is a one-way ticket to the lake of fire!

I wonder what a God-blessed Church means, in direct terms? That Baptisms don't count? That the brownies at the bake sale don't taste quite as delicious? If you were to a douse a vampire with holy water, would he respond with "Ha! That tastes like Mason water to me. Delicious!"

The poor couple has given Satan "legal ground!" So like, if they were to try and take Satan to Civil court, it would do nada. In the Case of the Scotts vs Lucifer, Lord of the Undeworld, the court would have to find with the defendant. On the grounds Alex Scott kicked back a few brews in the Lair of Darkness. I'm pretty sure Muslims are not versed in witchcraft. I mean, besides the power to make Glenn Beck turn absolutely insane, but I'm not sure that's magic. I'm not even sure that's inertia. I bet even wearing a fez with no symbol at all would set him off. He'd be all "Take off that stupid hat! I'm sorry, I just love my country so much and...okay, it's just that I am very jealous of that hat. I want that hat."

If saying "Allah means you are calling out to the a moon god, and saying "Nana" means you're calling out to a moon God, does that mean when I talk to my nana I...oh my Allah...By the way, does Ed's "never" keeping a moon crescent symbol in house mean no moon pictures at all? No reading of "Goodnight, Moon" in his house? With his being so bothered by the stars AND moon, I bet when night falls, dude most go absolutely buggy. When the moon starts to wax and wane, you think he stares up at the sky "Stop being a heretic, moon! Stop that, this instant! You're giving into Satan!" Man, Masonry really is insidious. It gets you mixed in with all that Quar'an crap, that tome of books that references pagan figures like Jesus Christ, Moses and Abraham. And then it...it miscegenates it with the bible, with its holy figures of Jesus Christ, Moses and Abraham.

I have two aprons. "One says 'Kiss the Cook", the other says "I Got Crabs from the Beach". If you ask me, they're totally righteous. If only damned see the white steps of God-Justice, does that mean that if you meet God, you're totally damned? That has to suck. That's like being the good kid, and because of that, your parents never have any time for you. No wonder humankind's so rebellious. Our father, maybe if showed us a little attention, we wouldn't have to pull that squeaky wheel schtick.

I love how they're burning their stuff in what has to be the most ghetto trashcan ever. I mean, now when a couple of hobos stand over their trashcan fire to warm themselves, the ghosts of Levi and Masonry will possess their bodies, and they'll walk the earth flashing makeshift signs of pyramids with eyes on them. And nobody will notice because hobos have done stranger shit. Is Masonry really witchcraft? Well, if the dollar bill is influenced by Masonry (Masonicism?), then I would say yes. Because you can do all kinds of magic with money. You can make pizza disappear. You can control guards like a Jedi mind trick. And then there's the magic spell I like to cal "making it rain."

  

Adam feels a whole lot different. I guess without his heavy Masonic jewelry holding him down, Alex feels a whole lot better. He's even slouching less. The doctors are calling ho to let them know Tommy is hungry as a bear. Well, that means he didn't shoot his mouth or his gut. So where in God's name did he pull the trigger? Also, while some may claim a satanic spirit was what was keeping poor Tommy down in the dumps, it's funny that as soon as they reptented, the doctors were able to fix him. The surgeon sure looked a lot like Ed, didn't he? I mean, I don't want to load this story with conspiracies or anything...